I get a lot of emails from wives and girlfriends asking for concrete reasons as to why a man would cheat or have an affair. The truth is, the reasons that men cheat are as varied as the personality of the man himself. Sometimes, it is a personality flaw in the man. Sometimes, it is due to a man’s perception. (Whether he is accurate in this perception or not is another story.) And sometimes, it is due to a man being vulnerable at around the same time another woman approaches him or comes into the picture. Or, it could be a combination of a few of or all of these things. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Many Men Cheat Hoping For Validation Or A Boost In Self Esteem: Many women do not believe me when I tell them that often a man’s cheating has more to do with him and how he perceives himself than about her and about how the man perceives his wife or girlfriend. Always remember that it is basic human nature to want to feel like a winner. Every one wants to feel attractive, charming, interesting, and understood.
Although there are some very basic differences between women and men, men do have many of the same anxieties, vulnerabilities, and doubts that we do. They wonder if they are good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, etc. They get a serious boost in their self esteem when a woman that they consider attractive thinks the same about them. In a perfect world, this woman is always you. However, we all know that it just doesn’t work out this way all of the time.
It’s perfectly understandable that we can’t always fawn over them, gush over them, and recognize when they need a little extra attention to boost their self esteem. However, this is what most of us did in the beginning in the relationship, so this is what most of them hope for throughout the duration. They can be bitterly disappointed when this does not turn out to be the reality of the situation.
And, usually about the time when they are experiencing this disappointment and trying to quiet the doubts that are popping up in their head, along comes this other person who is essentially nothing more than in the right place at the right time. He projects onto her his feelings of insecurity and doubt and suddenly he sees her as to the answer to these problems. It’s very important that you understand this and see that this cycle has less to do with you (and your perceived shortcomings) than you may think.
Men Sometimes Use An Affair To Downplay The Boredom And Monotony Of Their Life: It’s pretty well accepted that men have shorter attention spans than women. And, they often need a lot more attention to be entertained or content than a woman would need. Sometimes when they start to feel somewhat restless and bored, they won’t say a thing. Unfortunately, they won’t ask you to spend more time with them or tell you that they’d like more quality time alone trying new things. Instead, they will attempt to add some excitement into their lives that doesn’t include you. They are able to justify this to themselves by rationalizing that they will get this out of their system, come home more content, and that no one needs to know or get hurt.
Many of them will actually tell me that they thought they were doing themselves, and their wives, a favor by having their troublesome needs met elsewhere. They actually tell me that this makes them a better husband and that they are then a more effective father. It’s important to realize that they actually mean these things when they say them. They believe this in their own mind. This is why they can look at you quite sincerely and wonder why you are so upset. To them, this indiscretion does not mean love or an emotional attachment. They are easily able to separate one from another in a way that most women just can not understand.
Men Sometimes Cheat Wanting To Be Caught Or To Get Their Wife’s Attention: This scenario is less common, but I actually hear it quite a bit. Some men tell me that having an affair was really the only way that they could get their wife’s attention. They will claim that they’ve repeatedly asked their wives for more attention or for a change in routine. However, they claim that these requests have fallen on deaf ears. Their story is that they repeatedly tried to make their wife more attentive or to pay attention, but she always put the needs of the kids or the job or the household first. In short, the husband feels that he is a second class citizen and he wants to do something dramatic to get himself out of this role. So, he will have an affair and he’ll actually want to be caught because he very much wants his wife’s undivided attention.
Another theme on this is that a man will have an affair as a way to “get back” at his wife for having her own affair or for doing something of having some omission that he felt made her deserving of this behavior.
You may not realize this right now, but the why is not as important as the how. Once you process all of this, the most important question will be how you are going to recover. And you should know that recovery is possible. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again.
Source: www.saveafailingmarriage.com
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